I say I'm okay with the way I look, but it's a lie. I'm lying to myself. I just feel my whole body, and all I feel is fat. Rolls. Skin. There's just too much of me. And the bigger I get, the more invisble I feel. My belly's enormous, and when I'm sitting, iy's bigger than my boobs. I cannot stand seeing myself in the mirror.
And my face is worse. I can't get my hair the way I want it so I just tie it up, so my face looks like a giant puffy ball. I have a perpetual double chin.
I don't feel good. My clothes just look baggy and saggy on me and when I try and be feminine, wearing a skirt, jewelry, putting on make up, I just feel ridiculous, like a clown. Like a mockery of what a woman should look like. So I don't.
And I feel so inadequate. So out of place.
And I'm there, seeing my female collegue all dolled up (I don't have just the one, but she's the one I spend most time with, and the one I can relate to the most, and the one I will be compared to), spending time with male colleagues who comment on every woman they see and think they're beautiful or whatever, and those they don't like as much and I can't help but thinking I fall into the second category - provided I am even a woman in their eyes, which I'm not even sure.
I was in such a good place in terms of body image back in La Dèche (that is before my health problem), I was at least a size smaller and I was so full of hope. And now I just want to stay in bed and stuff my fat face and cry. Why does life feel so difficult to me?
I am through feeling like shit. IT HAS TO STOP.